Psychology 101 may not be the first place you normally go for dating
advice. Here’s a secret though—you can use some of what you learn in
class towards your advantage on the guy scene. There are reasons you
fall for certain people (besides their cuteness), and once you
understand the rules of attraction, you’ll be the master of making guys
fall for you.
Syracuse University’s Human Sexuality and Love,
Lust, and Relationship professor, Dr. Joe Fanelli says, “Initially, it’s
about an attraction to someone. Then, for an interest in dating them,
there has to be that desire to make a connection.”
Her Campus is here to help you make that connection. Here are some of the secrets behind the science of attraction, and how to use them to make him fall for you (take them with a grain of salt!). Continue reading........
NUMBER 1
USE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE
Usually,
but not always, physical attraction is the instigator for a
conversation, or that first introduction. It may not be love at first
sight, but more likely attraction at first sight.
For example, we
like the fit, healthy bodies of those Calvin Klein underwear models
because, “attractiveness may [unconsciously] provide a clue to health
and reproductive fitness,” Fanelli says.
The hottie's abs and
chiselled chest are essentially saying, “I’d give good genes to our
babies.” Just what you wanted to know on your first date, right?
Other physical attraction cues may not be so obvious.
“When
it comes to chemistry, there are certain people we are drawn to because
of pheromones,” Fanelli says. “These may be triggers that signal ‘my
DNA is different than your DNA’.”
The pheromones (our natural
‘scent’) aren’t conscious to us, but they may be a reason that initial
attraction turns into wanting something more.
Before you even say a word to him, signal your interest with subtle, non-verbal clues using your body language.
How to make it work:
According
to Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of
Courtship, we naturally blink faster when we are emotionally excited.
Bat those eyelashes to let him know you’re interested without saying a
word. People also, “lean toward whatever – or whomever – they find most
important at the time,” according to Love Signals. Use this trick and
slightly lean towards him, whether it’s in your chair in class, or while
standing at the bar.
Continue reading........
NUMBER 2
BE A COPY-CAT
According
to Fanelli, similarity to a person is another important factor in
attraction. We like people who are similar to ourselves. It’s that
butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get when, the more you talk with
someone, the more you find out you have in common.
“These matches
may be conscious, for example two athletes, or people with similar
extracurricular interests, or unconscious, like finding out you enjoy
the same music,” Fanelli says.
How to make it work:
To
use mimicking, take a sip of your drink when he does, copy the way his
hands are resting on the table, or pick up on his words or phrases and
repeat them later in the conversation. Remember the timing aspect as
well: try to copy his movements sooner rather than later, or it won’t
come across as “synchronized.” But don’t make it too obvious!
Similarity,
in terms of personality, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be mirror
images of each other (in fact that might get a little boring). The
important thing here is being open to each other’s interests. If he
likes hockey, watch a game with him at least once or twice. If he’s a
country music guy, and you can’t get enough hip-hop, well, at least you
can both appreciate a strong love for music. Continue reading........
NUMBER 3
KEEP HIM CLOSE BY
You
see him once, and think he’s cute. See him twice, and you smile at each
other. See him a third time, and you’ll want to say hi. This is the
basic idea behind the attraction theory of proximity.
“We like
familiarity,” Fanelli says. “If you’re attracted to something, the more
often you see it, the more attracted you’ll become.”
In one study
of a 320-person dormitory, students evaluated their ‘liking’ of peers.
The study found that students liked better those who were near them
physically (closer on floors, or had rooms nearby). Dormcest ring a
bell?
How to make it work:
Similarity
may also play a role here. Wherever you meet him, the gym, the library,
or class, if you both frequent the same spots, you’re likely to run
into each other again. This also means, if you hit it off one night,
make sure to let him know you want to hang out again, since, (now we
know!) the more you see each other, the more likely you are to fall for
him, and him for you! But, no, please don’t stalk him.
Continue reading........
NUMBER 4
SPILL THE BEANS
Revealing
things about who you are can help raise your attractiveness. It creates
a closeness to that person, and lets him feel closer to you.
A
study published by the American Sociological Association, found that
“bestowing secrets upon a certain someone straightforwardly implies
trust and a willingness to strike up a relationship,” and that
withholding information about yourself “implies just the reverse.”
“Self-disclosure
is really an important part of the process of intimacy,” Fanelli says.
“This might be telling how many siblings you have, that you come from a
small town, or that you like jazz music,” he says. “You have to learn to
trust the person, before you can move to deeper levels of self
disclosure.”
These deeper levels may be telling him your goals in
life or what makes you who you are. But, “revealing too much too soon
can also be a distancing move,” Fanelli says. Be careful not to scare
him off by telling him your life story on day one.
How to make it work:
On
the first meeting, tell him about yourself first. As Fanelli suggested,
start by sharing the more basic things: your likes, dislikes, where
you’re from. The casual, “what year are you? What’s your major?” lines
always to the trick to get the ball rolling as well. Then let him do the
same – the disclosure should always come from both sides! The more that
you share, the closer he’ll feel to you and the more he will be willing
to share. As the relationship continues, give each other the more
serious, big-picture things. Continue reading........
NUMBER 5
GET HIS ADRENALINE PUMPING
If you want to make him fall for you, take him on a roller coaster. It
may not be that simple, but Fanelli says adrenaline is sometimes
misattributed to arousal.
“Excitement generates a level of
attractiveness,” Fanelli says. “People who experience similar arousal
find each other more attractive.”
Fanelli says you don’t need to
go on a bungee-jumping date to make this happen though. “Any experience
that generates excitement can be arousing.”
In one study, for
example, males interacted with females on either a high-suspension
bridge, or on level ground. They were more sexually aroused by the
females on the bridge, indicating that they misattributed the feelings
of physical arousal being on the high bridge, with attraction to the
female.
“People who experience similar arousal find each other more attractive,” Fanelli explains.
How to make it work:
It
could be as simple as a competitive board game, Fanelli says, or a
pick-up game of basketball. “Watching a scary movie, could even be
arousing and enhance levels of attraction,” he adds. Do things that are
exciting. Take a run together, play Monopoly, or watch a thriller like
Black Swan or Source Code. Continue reading........
NUMBER 6
MAKE HIM A CUDDLE FAN
When
you first fall for him, he’s usually all you can think about. Fanelli
says this is part of the early ‘lust’ experience of attraction.
“It’s
the release of dopamine and endorphins in your brain,” he says. “It’s a
cocaine-kind of rush – part of a chemical reaction.”
This gives
us almost an obsession with the other person, where you’re always
thinking about them, and wishing to be with them. This chemical rush
can’t last for long, though.
How to make it work:
“After
about two months, other reactions take place,” Fanelli says. These are
less lust-based, and more comfort-based. Cuddling is one way to keep
the chemicals flowing, which Fanelli says, makes you feel warm in the
closeness of that other person. The chemical oxytocin is released during
cuddling which brings feelings of attraction. Pop in a movie and get
your cuddle on! Continue reading........
NUMBER 7
FIND YOUR OWN HAPPINESS
Fanelli says that ultimately, attraction comes down to the fact that interesting people are interesting to be with.
“Rather
than spending your time trying to lure him in, remember that people who
are comfortable with themselves are interesting because they’re doing
things that make them happy,” he says, “and that’s very attractive.”
When
you’re doing something that ‘turns you on’ (whether it’s playing music,
or playing sports), “that is a turn on to other people,” Fanelli says.
Before
you worry about attracting him, make sure you find yourself attractive.
“Be yourself, and do things that make you happy,” Fanelli says.
Sources:
Dr. Joe Fanelli, Love, Lust, and Relationships professor, Syracuse University
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Wednesday, April 22, 2015
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